Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
