There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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