So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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