oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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