My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
