he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
