You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
