I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
