How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
