All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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