Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
