How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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