After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
