what day is it and did you see me today?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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