I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
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