If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
