Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
my being single is dangerous.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We are all done wearing pants today
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
