awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
