the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
