I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize