it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Randomize