I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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