It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
