I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
