Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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