just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
