I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
