he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
