The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize