I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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