I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
