somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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