Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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