U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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