I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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