I think im going to throw up on grandma
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
