her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
