if i can run in heels then i can drive
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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