My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Be still, my beating vagina.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
