today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
