So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
