Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I think your dad took our porno
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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