Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
