I can tuck mytits in my pants
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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