get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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