I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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