I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My room smells like vodka and shame
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
