the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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