Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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