Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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