"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
