Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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