youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
BRING THE BAGELS
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
