No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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