Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
