dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
