My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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