My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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